Mum Life- Finding my flow.
I have decided to add to this journal Mum Life, a collection of all the things I am learning not about parenthood but rediscovering who I am as a woman.
I have felt for so long that I need to be more than mum, that there is a whole human inside me that used to exist but is pushed down, forgotten & ignored. I have also felt that to declare this after infertility is selfish so I have just been mum for 4 solid years. The problem with this is one day the shit will hit the fan & man oh man I think I need a new fan.
What happened I hear you ask? Well I got sick for 5 weeks. I could not breathe, could not exercise, stopped sleeping & delightfully on several occasions coughed until I vomited. My body gave up & right alongside it so did my mind. I cried daily, broken, tired & ashamed of my body as I got worst.
So I share with you finding my flow, a diary of recovery. I have no idea how many journal entries this will be but I hope as I rediscover & recover my sharing helps you in some way find yourself in motherhood.
The very first step I have taken is yoga. Why? Well it is quiet, I can regain my health/fitness, it helps with my mental state & reduces stress. Each Monday night a teacher now comes to my office & takes 4 of us through a little over an hour practice. Last night we covered these simple things.
2- Movement & connection to our bodies
Let's unfold this a little.
As a 40 year old I should know how to breathe, the fact is though that I hold my breathe a lot. The second stress sets in to my day I take short shallow breaths & this only exacerbates the stress. To spend 1 hour with a focus on breathing through my lungs & deep into my body was a revelation.
Secondly combined with focused breathing, intentional movement. I already know is going to be a game changer. Last night I focused on feeling space in my body discovering so many spots that just couldn't move. All of that stress combined with a desk job & 5 weeks with no fitness has taken a serious toll on my body. I am tight, short & rigid.
As we worked into relaxation I thought about how my body & its current situation has been allowing me to show up. It was quite upsetting to realise that a lot of the physical aspects have been reflected in the way I was dealing with my family. The feelings I have of being broken have reflected in my food choices, my short temper with Isi, my rigid sentences with my husband. Overall my expectations of others when I have felt out of control. It was also freeing to realise I now have a path to make a better choice.
Now let's not pretend there was no mum guilt. That shit is real & we need to kick it to the curb. At first I felt bad I was not at home being mum, making dinner & missing out on quality time until I reminded myself this was MY quality time. I have been hiding because I have been miserable, not just will illness but with my mindset & especially my body. This simple weekly practice for me means so much more than any hour at home. It is giving me:
1- A mental break & clarity
2- Exercise, I want to feel good in my body
3-Tools to deal with the hard days
4- A renewed attitude to go home happy & set up for the week
5- Space to just be me
So it is likely that as I progress each week you will catch me here. I want to share with you what I am learning, how I am putting it into practice & how it is helping me create a happier life returning to Brooke.
If you feel like this I want to say to you it is okay. I was so ashamed to feel this way & all hiding it did was create dis-ease in my body. We are first & foremost our own human self. Yes we have kids, husbands, wives & jobs but none of that should take us away from feeling our best & knowing who we are.
PS- If you have a friend that could use this read please leave a comment, email her the link or drop me an email at email@example.com & lets create this community together.